Email Copy Critique #3
[Subject Line] Who’s Tired Of Settling For 2nd Best?
[Post headline] Raise Your Hand If That’s You…
Entrepreneurs and management executives like you are a special breed.
Like you, they couldn’t care less about most of the unsolicited stuff that hits the inbox hundreds of times each day.
But when they see that one thing that can
help them be more effective,
optimize their performance,
put more black ink in the company's books,
and more money in their own banks,
their minds are wide open.
That attitude is one reason they hold the jobs they do.
That same attitude is why you took the xxxxxxxxx Challenge.
If you love the idea of operating at peak performance in all that you do, then exposure to the Xxxxxx Project and all it has to offer could make a very big difference in your life.
Hey [@name], I’m Xxx Xxxx and I’ve got some things to share that I think will resonate with you.
Let me start with this:
Imagine you embarked on a boat trip without a compass or a chart, much less a course to your destination. To make matters worse, you soon realise that you don’t even have a rudder to steer with.
Pretty soon you would find yourself at the mercy of the wind and the currents, or maybe even becalmed having lost all forward momentum.
To all intents and purposes, you would be trapped.
Nothing in your power is going to make a difference.
So often in life we can find ourselves in that very position.
Becalmed or pulled this way or that – despite our best efforts.
I call it the ‘Stranded’ Scenario.
It usually creeps up on us when we don’t have clarity of vision.
You know you’re stranded when you ask yourself
How the heck did I get here?
What the hell happened?’.
How did I fall short of what I know I’m capable of?
How did I get so disconnected from my purpose and mission?
One of the ways the Impact Project teaches entrepreneurs and management executives to move forward and release their full potential is to help them clarify their vision.
To define their big ‘Why’ if you will.
Understanding WHY is the first step to creating VISION.
But it’s only the first base…
To define a clear vision that creates fulfilment in all areas of your life requires much more.
In tomorrow's email, I’m going to talk about how you can step into your passion, power and purpose.
The subject line will be [Day 2] ‘Is it really possible to______________?’
Xxx
P.S. Want to Unlock Your Potential and thrive?
Ask for a Discovery Call today.
Lean what you really want, and what’s stopping you from getting it.
>> Lean more now<<
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Analysis of the Email
#Overall Thoughts and Grade: B-
This email has some good elements but needs significant work to match the Copy Doctor’s distinctive style. It's currently too formal, lacks personal connection, and doesn't have the conversational flow that makes my emails so engaging.
#Things Well Done:
- The concept of being "stranded" is a good metaphor that could be powerful if developed differently
- There's an attempt to connect with the reader's entrepreneurial mindset
- Setting up a sequence with the "tomorrow's email" mention is good
#Key Areas to Improve:
1. Make it much more conversational and personal - I tell stories and writes like I’m talking to a friend
2. Shorter paragraphs - mine are typically 1-3 sentences max
3. Add personality and humor - the email is too formal and corporate
4. Simplify the language - too many complex sentences and formal phrasing
5. Create a clearer hook/story - I typically use a compelling personal anecdote
6. The subject line needs to be more intriguing and simpler
Rewritten Email :
Subject: Lost without a compass
I was talking to my buddy Jake last week over beers. He runs a 7-figure business but looked totally defeated.
"I feel like I'm just drifting," he told me.
That hit me hard because I've been there. You ever feel like you're on a boat without a compass? Or worse – without a rudder?
You're just floating wherever the current takes you. No direction. No control.
It sucks.
But here's the thing about being lost at sea in your business...
It usually happens when you lose sight of your vision. When you forget your "why."
One day you wake up and think, "How the hell did I get HERE?"
I bet you've felt this way before. Most entrepreneurs have. That's why you took the xxxxxxxxxx Challenge in the first place, right?
You're not the type to settle for drifting aimlessly.
Here's what's crazy – most entrepreneurs never fix this problem. They keep drifting. Year after year.
But the ones who break free? They get crystal clear on their vision first.
Not just some fluffy "why" that sounds good at a conference. I'm talking about vision that fires you up every morning.
That's exactly what we help people discover in the xxxxxx Project. Real clarity that changes everything.
Tomorrow I'm sending you an email about tapping into your true passion and purpose.
Look for this subject line: [Day 2] "Is change really possible?"
Talk soon,
Xxx "no more drifting" Xxxx
P.S. Want to fast-track your way to clarity? Hop on a free Discovery Call with me. We'll uncover what you really want and what's blocking you from getting it.
>> Book your call here
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